Decadent Grace

If NOTHING CHANGES, NOTHING CHANGES

2005-11-07T16:01:00.000-06:00

Dear Wonderful Readers:

I know everyone hates change, but I have found a blogging community that I like quite a bit more than Blogspot. I am going to keep this blog open for a while so that I can go through and copy my favorite entries onto my hard drive, but I will no longer be posting here. There is good news, though! You can still read my thoughts at my NEW JOURNAL:

Eternal Rant

Which is located at LiveJournal.

If you find this too much of a hassle, I will totally understand and still love you. If not, then come visit me there!!!!!

Note to Self:

2005-11-07T10:38:00.000-06:00

Never put lotion on a part of your body right before you have to apply a band-aid to that part.

The Two Step or something, just pretend it's clever, OK?

2005-11-05T10:16:00.000-06:00

A meme I totally stole from Trista

Two Names You Go By:
1. The Princess
2. Carmen
(yes, people really do call me Princess, however, I am starting to think they are being sarcastic rather than reverent.)

Two Parts of Your Heritage
1. Being a horrible interrupter
2. Thinking that I'm always right
(I believe I was supposed to put my genealogical heritage, but I couldn't get my mom on the phone to ask her)

Two Things That Scare You:
1. Spiders
2. People who wear their pants too short

Two of Your Everyday Essentials:
1. Sobriety
2. Good hair

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. Pink fuzzy slippers
2. Soft flannel PJ pants

Two of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists (at the moment):
1. Norah Jones
2. Van Morrison

Two of Your Favorite Songs - at the moment:
1. Elton John - Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters
2. Journey - Feelin' That Way

Two Things You Want in a Relationship (other than Real Love):
1. Laughter
2. To be KNOWN

Two Truths about you:
1. I am unbelievably mushy.
2. I can be very gullible. (NO, you may NOT use that against me later)

Two things you are attracted to (physically):
1. I'm married and I must say that He's a hunk all the way around.
2. And ALL the way DOWN.

Two of Your Favorite Hobbies:
1. Reading
2. Watching movies

Two Things You Want Really Badly:
1. To move out of this house/job
2. A Dodge Charger

Two Places You Want to go on Vacation:
1. UK
2. Hawaii

Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die:
1. Learn to ballroom dance
2. Finish College

Two Ways that you are stereotypically a Chick/Guy:
1. I love the hair, the makeup the nail polish, the SHOES, the girly girly trappings.
2. I HATE to get dirty or rumpled or messy.

Two Things You Are Thinking About Now:
1. Well, I'm thinking about my husband's legs because of those previous questions and now I'm having a hard time concentrating on this survey.
2. Stuff I have to do later

Two Stores You Shop At:
1. The Jones Store soon to be Macy's (YAY!)
2. Shoe Carnival (duh)

Have a nice TRIP? See Ya next FALL!

2005-11-04T11:26:00.000-06:00

This morning on my way to the gym with my husband I fell head over heels down the stairs.

I missed the first step, then when I put my foot down only half way on the second step I felt my ankle twist, so I picked it up again and completely missed the third step and tried to reach around and grab the railing but only succeeded in breaking the railing into three pieces on the way down with what I believe was my nose.

This is how my face looks after breaking the railing with it and then falling down the stairs and then crying and hyperventilating for half an hour afterward.

My poor 13 year old daughter heard the crash and opened the basement door, saw me laying in a crumpled heap and burst into tears. She thought I was dead. I guess she didn't hear me YELLING "ow ow ow ow that hurt really bad" and then crying and hyperventilating.

I thought for the first ten minutes or so that I had broken or fractured my leg because it hurt so bad. I did NOT break my leg, Mom. I am, however, going to have some LOVELY huge bruises when these babyies have had a couple of days to really bloom:

And you should see the other guy:

Finally, I have been provided with a companion during my convalescence:

I think you should all feel real sorry for me and send flowers and candy and a new car.

Don't Do Anything Rash, Part 3 in 3D

2005-11-02T16:20:00.000-06:00

Well, I went to an ALLERGIST today.

Allergist= very expensive doctor

After asking me a hundred questions and scratching me with test LANCETS
in 42 different spots on my back she still doesn't know what the hell is wrong with me.

(Lancets = little needles to scratch you with 42 times)

She said my rash doesn't look like normal Hives, but that doesn't mean it's NOT Hives. However, she did give me a very expensive prescription for an antihistimine used to treat Hives and made me change my body lotion and soap.

Did you know that Hives can last anywhere from 2 weeks to 20 years?

Then she charged me about a million dollars and walked away. Whatever. If she can make me stop itching, it's worth it.

AT LEAST HE GIVES ME FREE WHITESTRIPS

2005-11-02T16:01:00.000-06:00

I had to go to the dentist today. What really sucked is that I THOUGHT I was just going in to have some impressions made for a couple of crowns. HA! Little did I know the torture my dentist had in store for me. I go to the Dental College because:

1.I have no insurance and it's, like, a third of the cost of a real dentist.
2.I actually get better care there because the students (who are in their third year) have to have all their work GRADED and so are very very thorough.

I have been very lucky to have had 2 wonderful students so far. My current dentist is RICK. I like him a lot. He's very nice and very gentle and loves to joke around which puts me at ease. EXCEPT TODAY. The only reason Rick is still my friend today is because he brought me free whitestrips.

I have to have a POST made for my newly root canal-ed tooth. He had to put me in the chair, turn me practically upside down (it's an upper tooth) and give me shots. Then, he spent a LOT of time drilling, drilling, drilling, out the old composite filling. Then he spent a LOT of time poking me with this thing he was using to make the mold for the post that will be made in the lab out of some kind of metal. Then he had wrap this cord thing around my tooth up UNDER MY GUM which hurt a LOT so I had to get MORE SHOTS. IN MY PALATE. Which made me cry. Then, when he saw I was crying, he was really nice and concerned and wiped my tears away and that made me cry harder because I had already been standing on my head in that stupid chair for 2 and 1/2 hours and I was getting a LITTLE STRESSED. Then, this teacher came over to help and she talked and talked and talked about what to do while I lay there UPSIDE DOWN hoping she would shut the hell up so he could finish. THEN they poked me some more and by the time he was actually putting in a TEMPORARY crown (which is very fragile and I can't chew with it) all the numbness was gone so they were POKING ME WITHOUT NOVACAINE.

FOUR hours and $150.00 later I got to leave.

My mouth hurts.

We didn't do anything special last night...

2005-11-01T10:27:00.000-06:00

Happy Googleween

2005-10-31T13:09:00.000-06:00

I heart Google.

Say "AAAAAWWWWWWWW"

2005-10-31T13:06:00.000-06:00

Don't Do Anything RASH, Part Deux

2005-10-27T10:23:00.000-05:00

Ok, so after watching the mysterious rash appear, going to the doctor where I was told it was "poison ivy", enduring the insanity that was steroids, having the rash come back with a VENGEANCE after the steroid therapy, discontinuing all my favorite skin products in the hope it was an allergy to them, and having the rash remain EXACTLY AS IT WAS before the initial doctor's visit, I have decided that I am allergic to AIR.

In light of this discovery, I must now live out the remainder of my life in a Plastic Bubble where everyone will bring me everything I need, including presents and candy, and famous people will start charities to try and cure me. I will be on Regis and Kelly in my portable bubble sharing my heartbreaking/heartwarming struggle with skin problems and Norah Jones will sing at my birthday party.

Does anyone know a good dermatologist?

Dear Cable Company

2005-10-27T09:07:00.000-05:00

What the hell? You say that channels 149 through 171 are all different kinds of movie channels. There's love, action, drama, westerns, mystery, family, etc. Each channel has it's own genre. Then why the hell do you play the SAME TEN MOVIES on all the channels, only at different times of the day and pretend like they are all different channels? WHY? Did you think I wouldn't notice? Do you think I'm STUPID or something? And how dare you sell this idea to HBO? They do the SAME THING. I get 10 HBO channels and they all PLAY THE SAME MOVIES over and over again. I have seen Ferris Buehler so many times I could come into the cable company office and act out the ENTIRE MOVIE for you complete with reciting the credits at the end. I swear, if it weren't for Divine Design on HGTV I would totally cancel my cable.

There's only one thing better than shoes

2005-10-26T18:33:00.000-05:00

And that is chocolate shoes. I saw this on Shoewawa and just had to share it. How cool are these? I haven't had anything sugary in my mouth since April, but if someone bought me chocolate shoes, I might break my fast. (hint hint - I want the polka dot ones)

Doctor, I Can't Feel My Face!

2005-10-26T12:27:00.000-05:00

This is how I felt today. I was at the Dental College having a root canal. At the college, when they do endodontics, they put this green rubber dam thing around the tooth to protect it from all the evil bacteria swarming in my mouth. Then they make it taught with this plastic frame thing. Then they stick the suction thing inside your cheek. Then, of course, they put their hands and a bunch of drills and pokey things in your mouth, too. Then they ask you questions. I am almost positive that there is a class they take somewhere on how many items you put in the patient's mouth BEFORE you ask them about their kids.

So, after putting all this stuff in my mouth, he has the audacity to want to take and x-ray and wants to shove the x-ray film in there, too! I immediately thought of this cartoon. I almost asked him if he needed a tennis ball, just for fun.

I am currently trying to drink a cup of coffee, even though I cannot feel the entire right side of my face (my right, not yours). I am afraid to look down and see how much of the coffee I am wearing as opposed to how much is actually making into my mouth.

Word Verification on Comments

2005-10-25T10:47:00.000-05:00

Dar Lovely Readers:

I have just had my first incident of comment spam (which I have deleted because I HATE SPAM!!!), and so to keep it from continuing I have implemented word verification on my comment page. It is merely to make sure that the person leaving a comment is actually a person who either knows me or is an actual person interested in my blog not some JERK WHO IS USING MY BLOG TO INCREASE THEIR RANKING ON GOOGLE.

If you have a website you want me to check out, feel free to email me with it and If I think it is cool, I will post it here. Just click on the I LOVE MAIL banner there on your right. ------------->

Thank you for your understanding and your continued presence here in my little corner of the net.

LOVELOVELOVE
carmen

Crankiness postponed

2005-10-24T21:15:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning cranky. Not too surprised as it's Monday and I'm mostly cranky all the time anyway. I was going to sit down here and rant and rave and SNARK as one of my ferrety internet friends puts it. I was going to rant about how much I hate my job and how I can't wait to move and how crazy my family makes me with their slobness.

But first I had to go to the gym. The damn endorphins kicked in and you can't be cranky when you are on an endorphin high.

Then my squishy friend came and who can stay cranky when Isaac flashes those baby blues and chubby cheeks?

Then a girl I sponsor called me and anytime I talk to an alcoholic who just found their bottom it makes me grateful for my few little years of sobriety and sanity.

Then my teenage daughter came home with her friends who worship the ground I walk on because they think I am the coolest mom in the universe (they don't live with the daily crankyness that is me). They wanted hugs. How can you be cranky when you are hugging people that think you rock?

Then I went to a meeting which is ALWAYS good for my attitude. How can you be cranky in a room full of grateful people in recovery?

Then I came home and made some dinner for my husband who thinks I'm hot even when I don't wear makeup. How can you be cranky when you are with someone who has promised to love you even when you get old and wrinkly?

Then I had a conversation with my teenager daughters that didn't involve any complaining, whining, manipulation, or crying (and they didn't do any of that stuff either). How can you be cranky when teenagers are being nice?

Somewhere along the way I forgot how cranky I was and realized I had had a good day.

Go figure.

Thug For Life

2005-10-23T08:41:00.000-05:00

FUNKYPANCAKE, the first photoblog I ever stumbled across and still read everyday, is this cool guy in the UK who takes pictures everyday on his way to work and back. Usually interesting stuff he sees on the sidewalk, signs, pop cans on fences. There are a lot of photos of his beautiful kids. But today I must direct you to a wall mural. Now, when you go to the site, make sure you click on the picture to see the big version. Look closely at the thugs. Thug For Life. I love it.

714 Things To Be Cynical About

2005-10-21T16:23:00.000-05:00

I totally stole this link from Growabrain.

Here are 10 of my favorites:

#53. knowing that your two-year-old $2000 computer is now a mere toy
#59. unfathomable computer video games that are instantly mastered by subliterate pre-adolescents
#118. joggers who perform ostentatious stretching exercises in public places
#130. anything with pesto sauce
#198. flatulence
#296. the need to purchase separate shoes for walking, jogging, tennis and basketball
#317. people who ask "How are you?" but don't really want to know
#381. the fact that it's easier in the U.S. to obtain handguns than Cuban cigars
#538.the fact that Tom Cruise is more famous than John Adams or Charlemagne
#566. the fact that Walt Disney World is the biggest single tourist attraction in the U.S.

I didn't read all 714, But I skimmed all 714.

714 Things to be Cynical About. Check it out.

I need a sewing machine

2005-10-21T15:50:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I'm totally addicted to Interior Design shows. I watch, like, 5 of them every single day. I am absolutely enthralled with the amazing stuff they do with fabric. Although I don't think I will become an interior designer, I have decided that the best way to get fabulouse bedding, draperies, seat cushions, and throw pillows is to make them yourself out of the fabrics you love. So. I need to learn to sew and that means I need a machine. Anyone out there have one they want to give me? Anyone out there have one they want to sell me dirt cheap? Anyone out there want to buy me one for Christmas? If I get a sewing machine I am going to take a sewing class.

You know, I am always complaining about the lack of gorgeous clothes for women my size. Perhaps I will make all my own clothing, too. Maybe I will become a fabulously wealthy fashion designer. Maybe I will be famous and rich. Maybe pigs will fly.

Dear Young Girl in the Wal-Mart Parking Lot:

2005-10-21T14:10:00.000-05:00

Yes, you are cute. You look awesome in your hiphuggers with the slightly flared leg over those great clogs. Yes, all those guys are looking at you shake your stuff. But let me tell you, when you start to walk you ruin the whole look. PICK YOUR DAMN FEET UP,GIRL! What the hell? You are shuffling around like an 80 year old man who's deaf and can't find the refrigerator. I know you have more energy than that, girls your age can tear through the mall spending every bit of Daddy's money in 10 minutes flat. If you're shuffling because you can't keep your shoes on, wear shoes that have backs on them! Ever heard of straps? Learn to walk in them or don't wear them. And stand up straight! You want to look like the hunchback when you're 40? Geez.

Because it's been a while

2005-10-19T15:49:00.000-05:00

Since I posted a picture of my buddy, AND because today I learned how to remove red-eye with GIMP.

Yes, he's unbelievably cute and he totally owns me. It's probably a good thing that I'm not his mom, or he'd be ruined.

My new goal in life

2005-10-19T09:36:00.000-05:00

While reading an article link from one of my favorite blogs, Growabrain, I found this sentence:

....who disappeared into the Peruvian Amazon...and emerged a year later naked and covered in body paint....

Sounds like way more fun than my life.

Things my husband says to me

2005-10-18T08:54:00.000-05:00

"I need a nosehair trimmer."

It's like my mustache is moving up into my nose.

Ok. When he starts saying he needs an ear hair trimmer, I may have to move.

Sometimes I Don't Know Where My Towel Is

2005-10-16T12:57:00.000-05:00

As many of you know, I have a husband and two teenage daughters. Along with the 2 clients that live in our home that I care for. That's 6 people, also we have a dog, a cat, and an empty fish tank. Now, as you can imagine, 6 people require many towels. Towels for (3) bathrooms, towels for the kitchen, towels/rags for cleaning, and old, crappy towels for other jobs like dog bathing, wiping up coffee spills, etc. I have 2 hall closets for towel/linen storage. I also have a couple shelves and drawers dedicated to towel storage in the kitchen. I have a lot of towels.

A few weeks ago I noticed that my towel population was rapidly diminishing. First I noticed that the bath towels were disappearing. Then it occured to me that I used to have 4 dishcloth/kitchen towel sets and was now down to 1 dishcloth and 1 towel in the kitchen. Hmmmmm. Also, all the cleaning towels and rags were gone. OK, so I am a pretty organized (some would call me ANAL) person. Especially in my kitchen where I spend a LOT of time. Everything has a place and I always put everything BACK in it's place when I am done with it. My kitchen towels NEVER leave the kitchen. Why would they? They get used in the kitchen and the laundry nook is in the kitchen so they should always be there. They were all GONE. This went on for a couple weeks as I was hoping they would miraculously reappear. No such luck.

Just as I was considering embarking on a trip to Wal-Mart for a whole new set of kitchen towels to replenish my mysteriously missing items I had a thought: Perhaps I should have my teenagers search their rooms first. So, after many protestations of "we don't have your towels" and other assorted moans and groans, I persuaded them to "JUST LOOK ANYWAY!". My younger daughter found quite a few towels in her room (big surprise) buried in the closet and under her bead and in her underwear drawer. However, even amid the mountain of bath towels (she had used every towel in the house and instead of washing them had reverted to using her terry cloth robe as a towel) there was still only ONE kitchen towel.

So, I turned to the oldest (she's 18).

I say: "Maybe there are some towels buried in that pile of clothes in the floor of your closet?"

She says: "MOM! I can GUARANTEE you that there are absolutely NO towels in my closet."

I said maybe I would just go check for myself. After finding several towels laying around the room she had already scoured for towels, I managed to find a pile of towels that would rival the leaning tower of PISA buried in her closet. INCLUDING ALL MY KITCHEN TOWELS.

These children had used all the towels that go in their bathroom, My bathroom, the clients bathroom, the dog bathing towels, and then moved on to hand towels and dishrags in their efforts to NOT EVER DO LAUNDRY.

I have now incorporated a family towel usage system that is much like a library. If you want a clean towel, you must bring me a dirty towel in exchange.

Yes, I have become a towel nazi.

CORRECTION

2005-10-14T11:19:00.000-05:00

I recently posted a list of rules for "Dating My Daughter." I credited Jack Yoest. He has sent me a very nice email thanking me for the traffic to his site, but he cannot take credit for the list. The true author of the list is Bruce Cameron, author of the book "8 Simple Rules for Dating my Teenage Daughter", which of course, prompted the TV show that the Late Great John Ritter starred in. Thanks to Jack for Re-directing me and Thanks to Bruce for the awesome list.

I Heart My DVR

2005-10-14T10:35:00.000-05:00

Or more commonly known as TIVO. It's funny, really. When Comcast first began offering DVR as an add on to digital cable I got it "for Chuck" because he wanted it. But guess who learned how to use it first? Guess who is totally addicted to it? Guess who fills up the damn thing with a bunch of silly shows? ME. I mean, come on, how cool is it to watch whatever you want at the EXACT MOMENT that you want to watch it? AND you can fast forward through commercials faster than the speed of sound? I mean it, every time I go through the commercials it breaks the sound barrier. Ok, so I tape a couple of things a week for Chuck, just so he doesn't feel left out, but let's be realistic, the DVR is MINE. (sorry honey)

Here's a sample of some of the stuff I am completely addicted to:

Divine Design (HGTV)
Design on a Dime (HGTV)
Designer Finals (HGTV)
Designer Challenge (HGTV)
Landscaper Challenge (HGTV)

(I know, it's pathetic)

Twins
The Office (american version)
My Name is Earl
Miami Ink (TLC)
What Not to Wear (TLC)

I used to be all about the TLC shows like Trading Spaces and Clean Sweep, but I am completely captivated by the before and afters of the interior decorating shows. I especially LOVE Divine Design with Candice Olson. I have already informed Chuck that if we ever win the Lottery I am totally bringing her down from Canada to completely decorate my home. She rocks. I am so obsessed I have thought about going back to college for interior design. However, I am not sure about all the measurements and numbers and mathematics involved. We'll see if it lasts. If I haven't got over my obsession in like a year, then maybe I will enroll.

IF YOU LOVE ME...

2005-10-13T14:55:00.000-05:00

You'll buy me this MARC bag by Marc Jacobs, available at Neiman Marcus for the low, low price of $198.00. I want the purple one.

WHAT? You don't love me that much? Now I must go and mourn for the loss of your love and this fabulous velvet bag.

(photo courtesy of Neiman Marcus)

(Thanks to Cranky Biscuit at BagCrazy for posting it on her awesome site for me to drool over)

Why Does My Dog

2005-10-11T17:50:00.000-05:00

Have to sniff every single blade of grass in the entire yard before deciding where to deposit her poop? How can she be so picky? This is the same dog that once ate an entire frisbee. She is not discriminating at ALL about what she will put into her mouth. She will eat anything, ANYTHING. Toilet paper, plastic baggies, legos, paper clips, orange peels, toenail clippings (for real, I have to hide from the dog to clip my toenails), hair, pieces of rusty metal, anything. But she is unbelievably picky about where she will pee and poop. Like it MATTERS. This morning it took ten minutes of sniffing all the grass for her to suddenly decide that she was gonna go on the cement curb. I guess the concrete smelled just right today. Sometimes I will take her out and she will smell all the grass and decide that NONE OF IT is acceptable and refuse to go. And if the grass is wet, well, you can just forget taking her out all together. SNOW is ok, but rain is out of the question. I totally don't understand dogs.

CORRECTION

2005-10-10T14:24:00.000-05:00

There are 43 cars on the racetrack, not 42 as I mistakenly typed in my last entry.

Don't tell anyone I'm a NASCAR fan....

2005-10-09T06:25:00.000-05:00

I don't like to admit it because I have a reputation to uphold as a stylish and cosmopolitan type girl, but since Chuck got into racing I must admit going to the Speedway is fun. I don't like the "gear" that goes with Nascar (it's all very tacky, really), however, I will allow Chuck to buy me a pink Jimmie Johnson hat today to fend off the sun. I didn't think we would need sunblock at the Busch Race yesterday and we both came home with pink faces. Today is the Nextel Cup Race which is very exciting and should be really fun. There's something about the noise and the smell of octane and the roar of the crowd when 42 race cars come speeding around that curve 4 by our seats going 185 miles an hour that just blows my skirt up. And there's nothing more exciting than seeing a big wreck.

And the best part is, I get to hold hands with and sit really, really close to this guy. *sigh* He's so cute, even when he wears the hat.

Mr. Yoest's Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

2005-10-07T09:38:00.000-05:00

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of the date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without using a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with one of my little girls, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. You might have heard about her other two sisters, but you will not look. If you make her cry, I make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are sofas, beds, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and my old Army Field Jacket - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature power tools are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a middle-aged, gray-headed, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and a half acre behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to drift back a few years to my Army days and mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a hostile vehicle. Whenever I hear engines at night, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the weapons, probably as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Announce the perimeter password, relay in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Have a nice time!

Adapted from Anonymous. John Wesley Yoest, Jr., a former Army Captain, is a management consultant.

The Common Cold

2005-10-04T10:01:00.000-05:00

I have a cold. I am sure I got it from Chuck, who has had it for well over a week, now. In honor of my cold I have found some "common cold myths" to share with all you dear readers.

My source today is COMMONCOLD.ORG.

MYTHS OF THE COMMON COLD:

Myth 1: The greatest myth about the common cold is that susceptibility to colds requires a weakened immune system.

Fact: Healthy people with normal immune systems are highly susceptible to cold virus infection once the virus enters the nose. In volunteers studies, approximately 95% of normal adults became infected when virus was dropped into the nose

Myth 2: Central heating dries the mucus membranes of the nose and makes a person more susceptible to catching a cold.

Fact: A cold virus does not need the help of dry mucus membranes to initiate a cold once it enters the nose

Myth 3: Becoming cold or chilled leads to catching a cold.

Fact: As discussed above, almost everybody becomes infected whether they are chilled or not, if cold virus is dropped into the nose.

Myth 4: Having cold symptoms is good for you because they help you get over a cold, therefore you should not treat a cold.

Facts: 1. Approximately 25% of people who get a cold virus infection do not develop symptoms and yet they get over the infection as well as people who do have symptoms.

2. The nose can only respond to irritative events such as a cold virus infection or dust or pollen entering the nose in a limited number of ways. Sneezing and nasal secretions are useful in removing dust and pollen from the nose but do not eliminate cold viruses since the virus is multiplying inside the nasal cells where it is safe.

3. Nose blowing propels nasal secretions into the sinus cavity. Nasal secretions contain viruses, bacteria, and inflammatory mediators all of which are able to produce inflammation in the sinus cavity. This may lead to secondary bacterial infection.

4. Nose blowing, sneezing, and coughing benefit the virus by helping spread it to other people.

5. Commercially available and FDA approved cold treatments are safe and effective. It makes sense to use them because they benefit the cold sufferer and may help prevent the spread of colds.

Myth 5: Drinking milk causes increased nasal mucus during a cold.

Facts: 1. Milk and mucus may look alike, but milk is digested like any other protein and is not specifically converted into nasal mucus.

2. An Australian study was actually done in volunteers to address this question. It showed that people drinking lots of milk had no more nasal mucus than those not drinking milk.

Myth 6: You should feed a cold (and starve a fever).

Facts: 1. The origin of this old saying is obscure. There is no scientific evidence that excess eating will cure a cold.

2. On the other hand, eating tasty food will not make a cold worse and may help the cold victim feel better. Commoncold.org features tasty recipes for the cold sufferer.

So basically, I have a cold because some sick person breathed and I breathed and it went up my nose. Now my nose is freaking out and making me feel like crap. Being cold, chilled, or having central air had nothing to do with it and I can eat whatever I want and drink milk until the cows come home and it won't affect my health at all. So, I am gonna go have some tea and watch a movie because the BEST thing you can do when you are sick is REST.

HUZZAH!

2005-10-02T18:57:00.000-05:00

Today Chuck and I went to the Kansas City Renaissance Festival. We usually go every year, but we missed last year so it was EXTRA exciting. We didn't dress up, but I have always wanted to invest in some costumes. The costumes are very expensive if you buy the quality stuff. I'm not sure if I would dress up, though, because I like being a spectator and wouldn't want to be mistaken for staff. I would love to work the festival as a player some day, though, just to be a part of it.

This year they were doing something new. When we got there we got handed a piece of paper and it was a treasure hunt. You had to go to a bunch of different locations and find some clues to a riddle and then to find this guy with a treasure chest and show him your clues. It was fun. We did NOT win the treasure, however. Since we have been to renfest so many times we really enjoyed the treasure hunt because it was new and it was a "goal" to the day.

I did a couple things different this year. I usually get a turkey leg for lunch and today I had a steak sandwich. It sucked, I wish I had got the turkey leg. Also, I always go see Dr. Dumpe, the fire-eater guy and I didn't catch his show this year. I walked by him a few times, but didn't sit down, ever. It was very humid and hot today and his show is always in the sun.

One of our favorite shows that we ALWAYS watch is "Birds of Prey" which is put on by the World Bird Sanctuary in St. Louis. They fly the birds right over the heads of the crowd.
This raven was very cool, because after the show, if you brought money to donate you could hold it out to the raven and she would grab the money with her beak and stuff in the box. It's quite a gimmick, actually, because everyone had so much fun watching the bird stuff the box, they kept handing her money. The cool thing about this troupe is that all the money they get goes into the sanctuary where they breed birds that are on the endangered species list and set them back into the wild.

I also ALWAYS see one of my favorite street performers called "The Toy" and I never saw him today. That made me kind of sad.

A couple of cool things that happened. We were sitting on this little rock wall, resting and having a smoke and this girl who was dressed like a festival player came up to me and said I looked really familiar to her. I told her my name and she told me hers and it turns out we went to HIGH SCHOOL together. I haven't seen this girl for 20 years and she said she recognized me when we walked in the gate! She and her sister and mother were part of a Celtic singing troupe and we went and watched them perform a couple of hours later. Small world.

The other thing cool was this ride thing that Chuck went on. You got into this bungee cord harness over a trampoline and it made you jump really really high. He loved it.

Since we didn't take the kids we had some extra money so I got a CD of my favorite Dulcimer player guy: Jem Moore. I always stop and listen to him play, he is incredible. Chuck bought himself a sterling silver puzzle ring which is fabulous. And the best part is that we bought a print of a beautiful painting by Fantasy Artist Ruth Thompson. It's a gorgeous print entitled "Faith" and I can't wait to get it framed and hang it in my room. We finally found a sword mount for the sword Chuck bought a few years ago and it will look fantastic hanging next to our print.

We had a marvelous time and I will post more photos tomorrow. I LOVE RENFEST!! HUZZAH!!!

Why it SUCKS to live at your job:

2005-10-01T07:42:00.000-05:00

It's Saturday morning, 7:40 am. I am awakened by my wonderful husband who is off to a meeting. Kiss Kiss. Love Love. I stay awake and get up to get coffee. Now, you all know I live with the 2 women that I take care of. Normally on Saturday I get up around 8am and hang in my room with the door shut and check my email and stuff and then go out around 9am to get them dressed and fed. That is our version of "sleeping in." They don't actually sleep in, but they do stay in their rooms and entertain themselves so that it feels slightly different from the rest of the week.

This morning I stumble out to get my coffee, still asleep, really. I walk past client number 1's room and she calls out to me: "You got a job to do." This is code language for "I have pooped this morning while you were sleeping and now I have it all over myself because I am incapable of cleaning up poop." Lovely phrase to wake up to on such a fine Saturday. The poop has waited this long (this chick gets up around 5am, who knows what time she pooped), it can wait 5 more minutes while I drink coffee.

I walk back past her room to mine carrying my coffee and shut my door for five more minutes of peace and client number 2 wakes up. This girl is fascinating. She is deaf. She is non-verbal except for some toddler-style sign language. But she is VERY LOUD. This girl comes to consciousness in the mornings by making a sound that is very much like a broken fire truck siren. I think it's the noise her eyelids make when they open because she makes it every day. However, it looks as though it comes out of her mouth. She never tells me I have a job to do, because she can't talk. She just stays in her bed coloring or playing with legos until I come in and tell her to get dressed. She usually doesn't poop on herself. Very much. She's just LOUD.

See, when people dream of moving to a new home they dream of things like bigger closets, new appliances, larger decking, nicer lawns. I dream of not having to clean up another grown persons poop and waking up on Saturdays to birds signing instead of deaf girls screaming. Of walking in my kitchen barefoot without the fear of stepping in drool. Of hanging out in my living room in my pajamas and of no one else having a key to my house except me. 6 more months and I am OUT OF HERE!!!!!

MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH

2005-09-30T09:33:00.000-05:00

Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade named BOOK

BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's how it works:

BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKS with more information simply use more pages.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.

BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped overboard. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pin-points the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval. An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOK markers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking. Look for a flood of new titles soon.

-Author unknown

Fun With Words (Thanks Lindsey)

2005-09-28T19:11:00.000-05:00

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's (2005) winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

18. And the pick of the literature: Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Note To Self:

2005-09-26T09:25:00.000-05:00

When taking medications that "May Cause Excitability" do NOT tweeze your eyebrows.

The Lap Band

2005-09-23T10:23:00.000-05:00

I was talking to someone the other day about weight loss. I cannot, for the life of me, remember who it was. They were asking me what I thought of the Lap Band and I had no idea what they were talking about. I just saw a commercial for The Lap Band and I think it is an awesome idea. Here is the website if you are the person who was asking me.

Midwest Institute of Bariatric Surgery

Like a wrist watch, the band is placed around the upper stomach to create a new, tiny stomach pouch. As a result, patients experience an earlier sensation of fullness and are satisfied with smaller amounts of food. Since there is no cutting, stapling, or stomach rerouting involved in the Lap-Band® System procedure, it is considered the least traumatic of all weight loss surgeries.

AND IT'S ADJUSTABLE:

The Lap-Band® System is an adjustable silicone band that connects to an access port below the skin by a thin, kink-resistant silicone tubing. The port allows the surgeon to adjust the size of the band for a customized weight-loss rate for each patient. By adding or removing saline to an inflatable balloon on the inner surface of the band, the amount and consumption rate of food can be controlled. Adjustments to the band, which are performed during simple office visits, are determined by the patient's weight-loss, the amount of food that can be comfortably eaten, the exercise regimen, and other issues surrounding the patient's health.

I think this is a wonderful alternative to the old surgery. If I were still weighing in at 200 lbs or more, I would totally opt for this.

UPDATE

2005-09-23T08:31:00.000-05:00

Well, my rash is looking much better and it has stopped itching. The Prednisone the doctor gave me seems to be hindering my sleep, but other than that, it's not too bad. However, the Sudafed he has me on for my ear problem has got me completely wacked out. Decongestants make me very high and anxious and nervous. So, if you call me, plan on at least an hour of conversation, because once I start talking, it's really really hard to stop. I only have to take the Sudafed for one more day, thank God. Then, if that doesn't work, then I have to go to an Ear, Nose and Throat guy to have him vacuum out my eaustacian tube or something hideous like that. I think, though, that my hearing has improved somewhat, so maybe I will be OK. Who knows.

My hubby is doing well in his new job. He is still in training, however I am convinced that once he is out there, doing it every day, he is going to be quite successful. I am very very proud of him for making a decision to change his life and following through with it with such dedication. He inspires me to go and do something new with my life, too. I just have to figure out what I want to do. BUT, I am on that journey, so wish me luck.

Ok, now I must go watch all the crap I have recorded on the DVR this past week.

Overheard in the Ladies Restroom at Price Chopper

2005-09-20T14:17:00.000-05:00

voice of very small child: "I have a coochie cat!!"
voice of mommy: "no, your sister has a coochie cat, YOU have a wee wee."

Don't Do Anything RASH

2005-09-20T14:05:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I went to the doctor this morning to address 3 health issues, mainly this fast-growing rash I have that started on my arm and is now all up my chest, neck and on my legs. I am now on 2 prescription and 3 OTC medications that I have to take anywhere from one to 5 times a day. HELLO. I can barely remember to take ibuprofen when I have a freakin headache.

Prescription Med 1: take one capsule five times a day for five days
OTC Med 1: 2 squirts in your nose then hold your head down for 20 seconds then back for 20 seconds. twice a day. for five days.
OTC Med 2: one capsule once a day for five days.
Prescription Med 2: Take 2 four times a day for four days
Take 1 four times a day for four days
Take 1 three times a day for three days
Take 1 two times a day for two days
Take 1 in the morning for two days
OTC Med 3: Take as needed to counteract the side effects of Prescription Med 2 because Prescription Med 2 may make you a little hyper.

A little hyper? I feel like I took 12 hits of speed and washed it down with 10 shots of espresso. Oh, and it might make you extra hungry. Like it matters, I will probably be doing sprints around the block later if my heart doesn't explode.

A Post Idea I totally stole from...

2005-09-18T21:06:00.000-05:00

This website: 5ives

Five Things I say so often that they have become tired and predictable:

1. Totally

2. Right on (or, as a variation that I stole from a friend "Rock On" which, by the way, she says only occasionally which is fun instead of redundant.)

3. Cool

4. Way (as in: "Right on! That is WAY cool! Totally!)

5. Whatever

I have no idea at what point in my adulthood I became a Hippie/Valley Girl, but I am hoping there is a 12 step program out there somewhere that can lead me into a new and wonderful world of interjections and adjectives.

What 5 things do YOU do that drive YOU insane?

PHOTOGRAPHY 101

2005-09-16T08:25:00.000-05:00

Lesson #1: Don't take pictures of people when they are not expecting it; they blink.

Lesson #2: When you tell your kid to take pictures, don't expect her to take pictures of what YOU want, because she will find her own subjects and it will NOT be the company from out of town, leaving you with just ONE shot of your aunt and uncle with his eyes closed.

Lesson #3: If you do give your kid the camera, make sure that before your company from out of town that you only see ONCE A DECADE leaves, you take a couple more shots JUST TO BE SAFE, otherwise all you will have is your daughter's self portrait.

HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY POOKY!

2005-09-15T07:51:00.000-05:00

Tuesday September 15, 1987. Around 9am? Something like that. Took you FOREVER to get here. Seems like I was in labor for 2 or 3 days. I remember being SO HAPPY that you were a girl because they had told me you were a boy at the sonogram and I refused, ABSOLUTELY REFUSED, to have a boy. And to top everything off you were GORGEOUS! From the minute you poked out your perfect little head you were BABELICIOUS. Being only 20 years old at the time, I must say, I was PETRIFIED (Actually, I still am most of the time)to be a mother. You liked me, though. And I liked you, even though I wasn't quite sure what to do with you.

You've put up with me for 18 years, good and bad (some VERY BAD). Thanks. You know, now that you're an "ADULT" (so to speak) I must say you've turned out quite well. Thank God. I hope I haven't messed you up too bad. Remember what I always say: When you get into therapy later in life, just send me the bill, babe.

I just want you to know that YOU BLOW MY HAIR DRY, schmoopy. I think you are the coolest chick I know. You are a real hoopy frood. You can borrow my towel anytime.

Never underestimate the power of a good hair day

2005-09-15T07:27:00.000-05:00

It just makes you feel good all day.

I heard it through the grapevine that it hurts so good

2005-09-13T15:24:00.000-05:00

Life is so cool when it happens like this. Yesterday my friend called me and said that one of her friends had given her tickets to the John Fogerty/John Mellencamp concert. Did I want to go? I said yes (duh). I was tired and thinking that I would totally suck at everything on Tuesday, my big grocery day, but what the hell.

We stopped and got capuccino on the way out to better facilitate a second wind. Got to the concert right on time and it was EXCELLENT. John Fogerty kicked ass. John Mellencamp was good, but FOGERTY ROCKED. He did all the old CCR great ones and we danced our little booties off right there on the lawn in front of God and everybody. I had the BEST time. We even got home by midnight so today wasn't a total loss because of lack of sleep. The best thing is that because I don't drink anymore I do not have a hangover today! Not to mention that I actually remember the ENTIRE CONCERT. AND I still have money left over! HA!

Really, it just doesn't get any better than that.

Totally Edible

2005-09-09T12:50:00.000-05:00

My Husband Rocks

2005-09-07T16:34:00.000-05:00

He finished school on August 18th. Today is September 7th. Less than a month out of college and he has procured a job - doing what he went to college for. AND it's the exact job he wanted. I'M SO PROUD OF YOU, CHUCK!!!

(and he's cute, too!)

Mostly Cranky

2005-09-06T19:18:00.000-05:00

Having one of those days. You know, I think I started out OK. I went to Wal-Mart and bought some stuff. Regular crap: soap, deodorant, workout pants, Toy Story 10th Anniversary Special Edition DVD (for myself, I might add), eyeshadow, milk, frozen pizza. The usual. It was OK. Wal-Mart at 7:30am is a little like heaven (for me). There is no one there. All of Wal-Mart is at my command. Wal-Mart was OK. The gym was OK. Blockbuster was OK.

Cleaning my bedroom. I think that is what set me off. Not that my bedroom is messy. I am NOT a messy person, unlike some slobs in my family YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I am almost painfully neat. However, I hate to dust and vacuum. I would rather be whipped with a cat-o-nine tails. So my painfully neat room was covered in a thick layer of dust that I absolutely could no longer ignore, nor could I afford to pay one of my children to do it for me. (*sigh* they have not been in trouble lately, either so I could not use it as punishment)

So this is what happens. I always start by picking stuff (not MY stuff) up off the floor and removing cups and pop cans (not MY cups and pop cans) off the desk. This is when the insanity begins. The little voice in my head begins to talk to me about how I always have to do EVERYTHING and how I take care of EVERYONE and how inconsiderate everyone is and on and on and on ad nauseum. (I hate that voice). Yes I know, I don't HAVE to pick that stuff up. I don't HAVE to clean the room. But I do. You see, when it gets to that point then I am like Rainman needing to see Wheel of Fortune. IT MUST BE DONE OR I CAN'T BREATHE. By the time I am done I have convinced myself that not one person in my life really appreciates who I am and I should just get in my car and drive to California. Days like this always lead to California. Thus my favorite saying "It's a California Day." Why California? There's sunshine and beaches. And the directions are cake, someone whom I will not name told me I would only have to change highways like 3 times. Maybe less. Straight to the ocean, baby. I was on my way by 1pm this afternoon.

But, alas, I had spent all my money at Wal-Mart and my tank is almost empty. Damn that hurricane and the price gouging oil mongers!

Then I had to cook dinner. A daunting task. These days I would rather gouge my eyes out than cook dinner. I am so sick of cooking dinner! When I quit this job I am never cooking dinner again. That's IT. It's over. Fini. No Cooking. Nada. None.

Well. Maybe once. BUT THAT'S IT!

Now that everyone is fed and my clients are in bed and the kids are settled down and Chuck's off to a meeting, I might be feeling a teensy bit more relaxed. I think I will try to finish watching a movie I started earlier. With my luck today, the TV will probably explode.

Hmmmm......

2005-09-01T13:47:00.000-05:00

It's time to make some Amish friends.....Yes, their fashion is REALLY BAD, but they have gas-less transportation. And they grow their own food.

Cats In Sinks

2005-09-01T13:41:00.000-05:00

What is Cats in Sinks? It's obvious. It's about cats. And kittens.
Who like sinks. And basins. And that's it.

Cats In Sinks

WARNING: Extreme cuteness, may even make you slightly nauseous...

Welcome to my world

2005-08-31T16:22:00.000-05:00

I have two daughters. One is nearly 18 and one is 13. To completely sympathize with what this feels like take railroad spikes and drive them into your brain. Welcome to my world.

Things I say that make my counselor laugh:

2005-08-31T13:17:00.000-05:00

"I want to be beautiful, you know, on the inside. I want people who have been with me to go away from me saying to themselves 'wow, I am so refreshed after being with Carmen because she is so life-giving'.....but mostly I'm just cranky."

Got Gas?

2005-08-31T08:05:00.000-05:00

sigh If only real life had a script.....and a soundtrack.

2005-08-30T13:33:00.000-05:00

"I think I'd miss you even if we'd never met." (The Wedding Date)

BINGO! YAHTZEE! DINGDINGDINGDING!!!

Guys should watch "chick flicks" all the time and write this shit down. This one goes on my list right up there with "When Harry Met Sally" at the end where he says to her that when you finally realize that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you want the rest of your life to start right now. Or in "The Last of the Mohicans" when he tells her to stay alive because he will come for her.

I have to admit, though, I am lucky. Chuck gets off a good one every now and then that leaves me breathless. And I don't even think he practices them beforehand. Strictly off the cuff. Always makes me cry. Makes up for all the tools in the garage floor. Although, we must work on the soundtrack. Most of the time our background music is either 98.9 the Rock, or NASCAR. Not very romantic.

Ok, gotta finish the movie.....

CUTE

2005-08-30T07:33:00.000-05:00

one damned thing

2005-08-29T09:58:00.000-05:00

Life is just one damned thing after another.
---Elbert Hubbard

I think that pretty much sums it up for today.

The Fisher King

2005-08-25T12:44:00.000-05:00

The Fisher King. Robin Williams and Jeff Bridges. 1991. I watched it again for the first time this morning. I don't think I've seen it since it came out and I had completely forgotten the story.

It's a story of repentance. Redemption. Of sanity returned. EXCELLENT. I know what it feels like, to have sanity returned. To be restored to a right mind. To be free. It feels GOOD.

13 YEARS!!!!!!!!!

2005-08-23T09:07:00.000-05:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EMILY!!!

MEME

2005-08-23T09:00:00.000-05:00

My friend, Brenda, sent me this today. I thought it was kind of fun. I got 19 out of 25. Let's see how you do. I WILL POST THE ANSWERS IN THE COMMENT BOX.

There are 25 questions about things we see every day or have known about
all our lives. How many can you get right? These little simple questions
are harder than you think-- it just shows you how little we pay
attention to the commonplace things of life.

Put your thinking caps on. No cheating! No looking around! No getting
out of your chair! No using anything on or in your desk or computer!

Can you beat 18?? (The average is 7) Write down your answers and Check
answers (in comment section) AFTER completing all the questions.

LET'S JUST SEE HOW OBSERVANT YOU REALLY ARE. - If not, just have fun!
Here we go!

1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?

2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh, some people
don't know)

3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?

4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?

5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?

6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg?
(Don't you dare get up to see.)

7. How many matches are in a standard pack?

8. On the United States flag is the top stripe - red or white?

9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?

10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?

11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?

12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?

13. On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons?

14. Which way do fans rotate?

15. How many sides does a stop sign have?

16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?

17. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?

18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?

19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?

20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?

21. On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?

22. On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the
opening between the slats?

23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no
digits?

24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?

25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?

"we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it..."

2005-08-21T12:35:00.000-05:00

I used to regret my past. I used to wish that I had never tasted alcohol or let drugs past my lips. I used to think that "IF" I had not done these things, then my life would have turned out differently. If certain things had not happened to me when I was a child, then I would not have the pain and struggles that I deal with as an adult. I used to wish this with all my heart. I used to pretend that my childhood was perfect and sunny and all was well and that if I continued to ignore what was real then the illusion would keep me safe and happy and warm. Then I would wonder why I was so depressed and wanted to die and had to used drugs and alcohol to keep me numb all the time.

Not long ago my daughters were reading out of a book I have called "The Book of IF." The question of the moment was: "If you could change one thing about your mother's life, what would it be?" My eldest named something very bad that happened to me that she would change. I broke in at this point. I said I would not change my past. I believe that we are the sum of our experiences. Now that I have been on a healing journey for the past few years I have decided that I do not regret my past, nor do I wish to shut the door on it. My past experiences and my struggle to live a fulfilled life IN SPITE OF THEM make me who I am today. I like who I am today. I think that my experiences, even the painful ones, give me a depth that I may not have had otherwise. And they afford me the opportunity to practice forgiveness and treasure the forgiveness that has been granted to me.

The one thing I treasure the most today is my sobriety and the life that I have because of it. I hate the pain that I caused my children by my years of drug and alcohol use and I mourn the lost time, but I also am grateful for that past because it has made this present more precious to me.

Rest for the wicked

2005-08-17T09:38:00.000-05:00

There is nothing so lovely (at least to ME) as a day that has long stretches of time where I have no tasks to complete. I would not say that I am a lazy person. I just really, really, really treasure rest. I love to rest.

My love of rest is second only to my love of nap. I LOVE TO NAP. Anyone who knows me knows that I am the napping princess. I should have seminars on how to do it. I believe that napping is an art form, an experience. Not just dozing off in your Lazyboy. But I digress.

I have to work later, but I have NOTHING else on my calendar today. This is the only day this week that I do not have to do something for someone else. No babysitting. No getting ready for the first day of school crap. No birthday preparations. No laundry needs doing.

I COULD dust and vacuum, but I hate doing that, so I'm skipping it. Really, all that furniture is just going to get all dusty again, so why bother? If I were a scientist, I would invent dust-repelling surfaces. Or some kind of finish you could spray on your furniture that would repel dust forever so I would never have to dust again. For that matter, I would invent dirt repellent clothing, so I could give up laundry all together. Yeah! and carpet that disintegrates all dirt and dog hair. That would rock. *sigh* Some people say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

OK, then. So I am going to sit here with my candle, my "soundscapes" and surf the net a bit, then I think I'll watch a movie and take a nap. Yeah. Definitely a nappish day.

For my cube dwelling friends...

2005-08-16T08:42:00.000-05:00

A little Toothpaste for Dinner.

Doggie Style

2005-08-15T15:40:00.000-05:00

Oh I just HAD to have a dog. Couldn't LIVE without a dog. Damn Dog. You know, it's always the little things. The way she follows me EVERY WHERE I GO, she even tries to follow me into the bathroom. Drives me INSANE. Then there is the licking. What the hell? Lick Lick Lick Lick Lick. Seems like all the damn dog every does is eat, sleep, and lick. Not only does she lick herself all day, she licks us, too. OH! And the way she comes up to you and finds the closest patch of unprotected skin and immediately puts her nose on it. I HATE being nosed. But the worst part of it all is that she is so cute I can't hate her. Even when she pees all over the floor just because I came home.

Let's do it, lunger

2005-08-14T15:24:00.000-05:00

Braved the teaming throng at WAL-MART today to buy the school supplies for my children's "FREE" education. Well, we got one kid's supplies bought. The oldest has to wait until the first day of school to know what each teacher wants for their particular class. Had to dump them off at home and go to Starbucks for caffeine sustenance afterward. HATE buying school supplies. HATE Wal-Mart on Sunday. There was this very helpful employee patroling the aisles asking what you needed to find and then trotting away to get it for you. THAT was lovely. I wanted to hog her all to myself so I could just stand in one spot and have her fetch everything I needed, but I shared her with the other customers. We got ALMOST everything Emily needed. We didn't get the calculator, they were out. Of course they were out, every single person in the entire middle school is in need of the EXACT same calculator. I will wait a couple of weeks and try again. Maybe the DAY AFTER school starts they will have more in stock.

Trying not to be in "checkbook shock" after the weekend. You see, Emily's birthday and the first day of school are on the SAME DAY. I certainly didn't plan my spending very well because I had to get presents and supplies in the same week. Silly me. I think I will go open a savings account next week so I do NOT have this problem next year. Yes, Mom, I know you have been telling me about the whole "saving money" thing for years. Some of us grow up VERY SLOWLY.

Well, Chuckmeister is asking me to play video games, so I must trolley on. (Hey, I never said I WAS grown up.)

The Chronicles of Narnia

2005-08-10T18:46:00.000-05:00

Check out the Website for the movie that comes out December 9th. Looks Delightful.
Chronicles of Narnia

So, I had to buy some gas yesterday.....

2005-08-10T08:07:00.000-05:00

Powell Gardens 08-07-05

2005-08-07T16:31:00.000-05:00

My Mom took me and my daughters to POWELL GARDENS today. They are having an exhibition called TREEmendous TREEhouses. This is the first one you see before you actually go in. I have no idea why, but it is called "Hobbit House". We all know that hobbits live in holes in the ground with round doors, but, what can you do?

We met our friend, Kendra and her daughter there and made the kids take a picture of the grown-ups on the butterfly bench.

The Island Garden. I think this is my favorite part of the gardens. It has the lovely floating plants and it also has the "Living Wall" which I actually didn't take any pictures of. Totally bitchin, tho.

We stood in the water in the lovely stream in the "forest". It was nice and cool on my hot little feet. Even though we went early, it was pretty sweaty by noon.

Cute little red birdhouse. I just liked it. I couldn't fit all my photos on here, so if you really really want to see more, email me and I will send you more.

THANKS MOM!!!!!

I have arrived

2005-08-07T08:27:00.000-05:00

Because for only ten extra dollars a month I can now pause live TV. Yes, folks, that's right. I can pause live TV. And rewind it. And with a touch of a button I can record EVERY episode of Miami Ink, American Choppers, In A Fix, What not to wear.....and not have to mess with tapes, menus, or repeats. My life is complete.

Decisions, Decisions

2005-08-06T09:52:00.000-05:00

I live/work in a group home. I take care of 2 "Developmentall Disabled" women. One is blind and has cerebral palsy and the other is deaf and autistic/turretts syndrome. I could probably stop right there and have your sympathy for the rest of my life.

But I must expound. To make matters worse, they hate each other. More specifically the blind/cp girl hates the deaf girl with a passion unmatched even by my children. Every single day here is a challenge in tolerance, but Saturdays have become really special. For the sake of anonymity let's call blind girl "BG" and deaf girl "DG".

On Saturdays BG usually goes bowling. Lately she has decided that she really doesn't like bowling. But here is her quandry: If she doesn't go bowling then she has to stay here and tolerate DG who is INCREDIBLY NOISY. You see, DG makes this "yelping" noise like every 3 or 3 seconds. About the only time she is not making noise is when she is sleeping. DG drives us all crazy, but BG really really hates her a lot. SO. Every Saturday morning I ask BG if she wants to go bowling. Usually she just says yes. But for the last two weeks this question has thrown her into an absolute frenzy of indecision. She can't answer. She wants to stay home and watch her TV but she doesn't want to be around her roommate. She has a "fake" phone. She sits in her room and calls "someone" on her fake phone and talks to them about it for hours. She complains, she cries, she bitches. Did I mention she only has one volume? Loud. So. From 9am to 1pm all I can hear is her bitching. And DG in the other room yelping. Bitch Bitch Bitch yelp yelp yelp.

It's a wonder I'm not crazy. Oh wait.......

sigh

2005-08-05T10:39:00.000-05:00

"Babies are such a nice way to start people." ~Don Herrold

I am still pondering why I like babies so much. I am, at best, a totally reluctant mother. Not to say I don't love my children, I do. I would die for my children. My daughters mean the world to me. I would cut off an appendage for them if they needed it. Give my kidneys, anything.

But I have always struggled with motherhood. I feel totally incompetent most of the time. I have often felt trapped, restricted, depressed, resentful, and completely unprepared. And now that they are teenagers I am mostly at a loss as to how I am supposed to be. What is the right amount of rope to give them? If it is too short they will choke to death and if it is too long they will probably tie me up with it. Even though I have been a mother for 18 years now, it is still a mystery. I just wing it and hope for the best. Oh. And I pray. A LOT.

But there is something about babies. A squishyness. Is that a word? If it is, did I spell it right? Whatever. Maybe it's their innocence. Their unused-ness. I don't know. Whatever it is, I like it. I like babies.

Happy Mug

2005-08-04T07:05:00.000-05:00

It Says: (on the back) Such was the power of the BEAUTY INSIDE her that Winter turned to Spring in her path and flowers grew in her footsteps

I got this from Edward Monkton. His simple but sweet drawings make my day. This cup reminds me of the book I am reading right now: Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldredge. If you are a woman, you should read this book. If you are a man and you exist in the same world as women, you should read this book. I have been reading it a little bit at a time for a couple of months now. When I saw this mug I HAD to have it. It makes me feel good.

I thoroughly believe in surrounding myself with stuff (and people) that make me feel good. Life is hard and I need all the affirmation I can get.

I may never drink out of any other mug ever again.

Why do you think the LIONESS is the one who kills the food?

2005-08-02T19:30:00.000-05:00

Being a mother makes you homicidal, that's why.

My baby is going to be 13 soon. She wants to have a slumber party. One of the girls she wants to invite is a girl who she's been friends with since BIRTH. The girl's mother won't let her come to the party. Her response was "I'm going to go with my gut and say no". Like there is some sort of life-threatening danger at our house. Made my baby feel like there was something wrong with HER. I saw red. I wanted to call this woman up and tell her EXACTLY what I thought of her and her stupid gut. I wanted to call her a lot very inappropriate names and make her feel as much pain as she had inflicted on my daughter.

I didn't call her. I called a friend, instead. Ranted for a while and then let my friend say calming things to me. I can't change that woman. Nothing I would say to her would change the way she is or the way she thinks. All I can do is comfort my daughter and reassure her that she is wonderful and beautiful and that she has value and worth. And that she is a good friend. And it's true. My daughter is a good friend. When she makes a friend, it is for life. She loves you with all that she has. She is undyingly loyal. She's fun to be with. She is fiercely passionate.

It's their loss.

I'm very ANGRY today....

2005-08-02T08:26:00.000-05:00

Maybe later, after I calm down (IF I CALM DOWN), I can blog about it.

Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Sweet Child O' Mine

2005-07-29T22:00:00.000-05:00

She's got eyes of the bluest skies
As if they thought of rain
I hate to look into those eyes
And see an ounce of pain
Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place
Where as a child I'd hide
And pray for the thunder
And the rain
To quietly pass me by

I'm still smitten

2005-07-29T21:56:00.000-05:00

And now, a shameless plug for my favorite store.

2005-07-29T09:52:00.000-05:00

Fresh Cake.

That's the candle I am burning this morning. My bedroom smells like a birthday. My friend and I went to Historic Weston, Mo yesterday. We make the trip about once every 3 weeks or so. Sometimes more. There is a candle shop there: 5B&Co.. There is a franchise in Brookside, which is probably closer, but the trip to Weston is always nice because we have time to chat and we always eat at this nice little restaurant. The thing is, 5B has absolutely the best candles I have EVER owned. They only sell votives because of space issues, but one votive makes my bedroom smell WONDERFUL. Last night the flavor was Capuccino. It smelled so good I had to go get some coffee.

You know, I can be in the crappiest mood and light a candle and instantly feel better. I guess it really is aromatherapy. It's very soothing.

2005-07-28T17:58:00.000-05:00

The Ultimate Game Chair

"The Ultimate Game Chair™ features 12 vibration motors throughout the chair that shake the entire chair whenever a gun is fired, a car crashes or the quarterback is sacked. The Ultimate Game Chair™ uses game vibration to shake the entire chair while you play. You feel the entire game! Next, the Ultimate Game Chair™ puts you INTO the game with 3D Stereo Sound speakers so you can hear the most subtle sounds in the game. You will feel like you are in the game! The Ultimate Game Chair™ takes video games to the next level. Get ready to experience gaming in a whole new intensity!"

I got to HAVE me one of these...

And Now, A Word From Our Sponsor:

2005-07-26T13:33:00.000-05:00

A Jell-O History

Jell-O Trivia
The people of Salt Lake City consume more lime-flavored gelatin than any other city in the United States

Ginger Ale Salad
From Jell-O Cookbook, 1904

Pour one-half cup of boiling water over one package of Lemon Jell-O. Set in hot water until thoroughly dissolved, stirring all the time. Cool and add 1-1/2 cups ginger ale. Set in a cold place until it begins to thicken, then stir in 1/4 cup finely cut nutmeats, 1/4 cup finely cut celery, one cup finely cut assorted fruits (pineapple, orange, apple, cherries, or grapes), one tablespoonful finely cut crystallized ginger.

Vintage Jell-O Molds on Ebay

The Truth Behind Lime Jell-O Lime Jello brings Joy to the WORLD.

Today's Isaac Photo Montage

2005-07-26T12:10:00.000-05:00

This is so cool, I wanted to bid on it.

2005-07-26T09:53:00.000-05:00

TEACHER'S CONFISCATED ITEMS COLLECTION on ebay. Nice photos.

via

Hot Enough For Ya'?

2005-07-25T07:16:00.000-05:00

We have a kick-ass TRANE air conditioner. Unfortunately, the people who own our house got it installed by some guy who did it on "the side" and gave them a great deal. Here's how the deal works: The air conditioner works great all summer. Then, when it is THE HOTTEST WEEK OF THE YEAR, it freezes into a solid cube of ice and we swelter to death in our home.

TODAY IS THAT DAY.

We woke up at 5:30 this morning and it was already almost 80° in our house. What makes it even better is that instead of being able to escape to somewhere cool for the day until it is fixed I have to stay home because my new dishwasher is coming today SOMETIME between 11am and 3pm. THE HOTTEST PART OF THE DAY. Can I get a hallelujah?

So, if you are nice and cool in your home or lovely office, Send out icicle thoughts to me whilst I sit very very still and spray myself now and again with my little misting machine while sitting under the ceiling fan. (We don't have regular fans because we have such a kick-ass air conditioner.)

*sigh*

p.s. (I think that Mr. Heat Miser looks quite a bit like George Costanza's Mom, don't you?)

List O' Links

2005-07-23T08:09:00.000-05:00

My Funk Name My Funk Name is Mischievous Oreandor Green...

Lazy Girl Seeks Same in Boy Form - The most honest personal Ad I have ever seen...

I want a SLEEP SHEEP You can buy me one for Christmas...

Ridiculous Celebrity Offspring Names My Favorite: Speck Wildhorse Mellencamp....What are these people thinking?

Excellent Quote

2005-07-22T20:34:00.000-05:00

"That's not why I pray,... I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time, waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God, it changes me."

----Anthony Hopkins as C.S. Lewis in the movie SHADOWLANDS

Just call me RUDOLPH

2005-07-21T10:47:00.000-05:00

Yesterday we went swimming and, even though I have an awesome tan, it was so hot that I was in the water or wet almost the entire time and I got a little burnt. I am not in any pain, but my nose is as red as a stop sign!

I started the day pretty irritable. I am putting it down to PMS (gasp, did she just say that!?!) I can only tell by my mood because of the hysterectomy (eat your hearts out, ladies, no periods for the last 6 years!), but I know deadly homicidal feelings when I have them, ok. Those days when your skin is literally screaming for you to peel it off and you know for a fact every person in your world is trying to piss you off on purpose. Those "hide all the knives" days. I know, I need to be on prozac. ANYWAY, it is amazing the effect that exposure to sunshine has on me. We were in the sun for about 2 1/2 hours. I know that is too long and I will probably die from skin cancer, but I am a different woman today. Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy. It just does. "And happy people don't kill their husbands. They just don't."

I also have this absolutely adorable baby sleeping on my bed like an angel. And when he wakes up and I smile at him he will smile back at me and coo. THAT, my friends, is the stuff of dreams. Paired with the fact that one of my children went to my mother's for a week, which means no teenage sister drama queen catfights for a whole week. *sigh* I've died and gone to heaven.

Girl falling through bubbles

2005-07-21T10:03:00.000-05:00

My friend, Chernl, sent me this link this morning. Although it is a tad disturbing because she is so limp, it is quite fascinating. You can click and drag the girl to make her move if she is stuck. You can also click and drag her if you can catch her in mid air making her do all sorts of acrobatics. Check it out: IZPITERA

Apollo GOOGLE 11

2005-07-20T18:27:00.000-05:00

See what the Astronauts saw on July 20, 1969. Check out Google Moon. When you get there, pick out one of the "map tacks" and zoom in as far as you can. It's very excellently cool.

Today's Isaac Photo:

2005-07-18T14:05:00.000-05:00

Today's Link: Mr. Smarty Pants

Socks and Potato Chips

2005-07-17T09:23:00.000-05:00

An excellent observation: Socks and Potato Chips.

"Take off your cap"

2005-07-16T17:44:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I watched the movie: Girl With a Pearl Earring. What captivated me the most in this movie was the essence of the forbidden. This girl has enchanted 2 men. Not on purpose, but because of who she is on the inside. One is a butcher's son and the other is the man she works for, an artist, Johannes Vermeer. There is a scene where she is walking with the boy and he asks her: "let me see your hair". (She wears this wimple throughout the entire movie. I am guessing that in the 1600's good dutch girls didn't show their hair until after they were married.) She tells him "no". He begins to question her:
"What color is it?"
"Brown"
"Is it curly? Straight?"
"neither."

Then, a few scenes later the artist, who is breathless for this girl, as she is for him, is painting her. He tells her to take off her cap so he can see her face. She refuses. "I cannot." He says, "cannot?" She says "will not." BIG DIFFERENCE. So he sends her in the back room to get some material that will cover her hair, but still show her face. As she is taking her hair down (by this point I was dying to see her hair)he sneaks over to the door to peek at it. HER HAIR. She's not getting undressed, but just taking her hair out from under a cap. He's not checking out her boobs or her butt. He JUST WANTS TO SEE HER HAIR.

There's a scripture in the Bible that says a woman's hair is her crowning glory and I never got it. After seeing these scenes I thought, of course. Women always used to cover their hair. They only took it down in their bedrooms. It makes me sad to think how we are now. Girls wear very tight, very small clothes that leave absolutely NOTHING to the imagination. I'm not saying that we should go back to wearing 10 layers of clothing and wearing wimples over our hair, but there's something so lovely in thinking that a man could get breathless for a glimpse of a woman's hair. Isn't there?

My baby is not a baby

2005-07-14T10:13:00.000-05:00

Sometimes the speed at which time flies spins my head around. It seems like only yesterday I was moaning about how I could never take care of a baby and a five year old and would I ever survive the toddler years and If I have to change another diaper I am going to scream and GOD, do their feet ever stop growing? And now here is the baby, almost 13 years old. What the hell? It's like they're born and time just LEAPS forward. I have some vague memories of the intervening years but at times it seems like she walked from the womb like this. I think that is why I am enjoying Isaac so much. Once a mother, always a mother and there is nothing, I mean NOTHING, at least in my world, like holding a sleeping baby. It's right next door to heaven. Smelling their baby smell, kissing their soft heads. Feeling them breathe right up next to your heart. They are all the same. Like all mothers and all babies belong to each other. Kind of like how sometimes I feel like we are ALL related. We're all family. And I guess, if you believe in GOD like I do, we really are all family.

All God's Chillun gots shoes

2005-07-14T10:01:00.000-05:00

I know shoes on infants are totally unnecessary, but they're cute as hell, aren't they?

Could you get a load of this face? I could drown in those eyes and he isn't even my baby. GOSH! Chuck doesn't know that Isaac is totally giving him a run for his money. I'm smitten. Too bad he's SO IN LOVE with his mom!

*sigh* I'll take whatever crumbs of smiles I can get, though.

And you thought YOU were tired....

2005-07-13T10:56:00.000-05:00

Check out the Duggar Family Album and count the children as you go. There is not a picture for 2005, but there is another kid for this year. I am saving this picture on my favorites list to return to on those days that I think 2 daughters is overwhelming.

VIA

Ok, so I'm a junkie, so sue me...

2005-07-09T10:14:00.000-05:00

His personality is starting to show and I think we may all be in trouble from the look on his face....but that's ok, coz he's SOOOOOOOO cute.

I love Friday

2005-07-08T10:48:00.000-05:00

I love Fridays. There's just something about Friday. I get this feeling of anticipation. Like something really cool, something EXCITING is going to happen any minute. Even when I know how the weekend is going to go, even if I know that I may not even leave the house, I still get the feeling. Friday holds a promise, an expectation of adventure. A feeling of RELEASE. For two days you are free from the mundane activities of life. Friday is a feeling of SANCTUARY.

This will really bake your noodle

2005-07-06T10:10:00.000-05:00

Watch for a few minutes. Or hours, if you get hypnotized by it.

eternity

via

I LOVE the races

2005-07-05T20:23:00.000-05:00

It was my first time to go to the races. We went to Kansas Speedway for the Craftsman Truck Series on Saturday and the IRL on Sunday. When the trucks came around turn 4 (where our seats were) the first time at full speed with the roar of the engines in my ear and the smell of the gas in my nostrils I thought my heart was going to explode with excitement. I looked over at Chuck with my eyes wide and my mouth hanging open and he said "oh yeah, you're a junkie now, aren't ya?" I just nodded and tried not to pee my pants. Now all I can do is just exist until October 8th and 9th when we get to go to the Busch race and the Nextel cup race. I'm just BIDING MY TIME UNTIL THEN.

Happy Independence Google

2005-07-04T14:18:00.000-05:00

Have a GREAT day and BE CAREFUL!

Ah-ah-ah-ah-aaaah, Close to you.......

2005-07-01T09:46:00.000-05:00

On the day that you were born
the angels got together
and decided to create a dream come true
so they sprinkled moondust in your hair
and golden starlight in your eyes of blue

That is why
all the girls in town
follow you
all around

Just like me, they long to be, close to you....

This is the song I have had going through my head ever since Isaac got here this morning. I just love this boy. How could you not? He's a dreamboat.

It's a useless talent, but at least I have one

2005-06-30T10:05:00.000-05:00

The Art of Spotting Virgins....

...takes a lifetime to master, unless you're a lucky guesser or can smell into the past.

You got 16 of the 21 people correct, and you did better recognizing the virginity guys. Overall, you guessed better than 94% of all test takers.

Play The Virgin Game and then tell me how you did.

VIA

SMEAR MY BODY UP WITH BUTTER!

2005-06-30T08:54:00.000-05:00

Which is exactly what I did this morning. My wonderful friend, Jill, with whom I share a love of SHOES and ALL THINGS EMOLLIENT, bought me some Better Body Butter from The Organic Bath Co.. Specifically White Tea no. 22.

Here are some of the ingredients: "aqueous infusion of organic white tea" "organic sunflower seed oil" "grapeseed oil" "olive oil" "beeswax" "hydrolized silk" "caramel".

I have no idea what aqueous infusion or hydrolized silk is, but I am DAMN glad they did it to my body butter. This stuff is fabulous. Extravagant. No, it's DECADENT.

I've always loved butter. You know, real butter. I could eat butter on absolutely everything. Including cake. I'm not sure about ice cream, but I haven't tried it yet. Butter just makes everything better. EVERYTHING. I am so happy that now I really can rub it all over my body. YUMMY.

Decadent Grace

If NOTHING CHANGES, NOTHING CHANGES

Note to Self:

The Two Step or something, just pretend it's clever, OK?

Have a nice TRIP? See Ya next FALL!

Don't Do Anything Rash, Part 3 in 3D

AT LEAST HE GIVES ME FREE WHITESTRIPS

We didn't do anything special last night...

Happy Googleween

Say "AAAAAWWWWWWWW"

Don't Do Anything RASH, Part Deux

Dear Cable Company

There's only one thing better than shoes

Doctor, I Can't Feel My Face!

Word Verification on Comments

Crankiness postponed

Thug For Life

714 Things To Be Cynical About

I need a sewing machine

Dear Young Girl in the Wal-Mart Parking Lot:

Because it's been a while

My new goal in life

Things my husband says to me

Sometimes I Don't Know Where My Towel Is

CORRECTION

I Heart My DVR

IF YOU LOVE ME...

Why Does My Dog

CORRECTION

Don't tell anyone I'm a NASCAR fan....

Mr. Yoest's Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

The Common Cold

HUZZAH!

Why it SUCKS to live at your job:

MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH

Fun With Words (Thanks Lindsey)

Note To Self:

The Lap Band

UPDATE

Overheard in the Ladies Restroom at Price Chopper

Don't Do Anything RASH

A Post Idea I totally stole from...

PHOTOGRAPHY 101

HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY POOKY!

Never underestimate the power of a good hair day

I heard it through the grapevine that it hurts so good

Totally Edible

My Husband Rocks

Mostly Cranky

Hmmmm......

Cats In Sinks

Welcome to my world

Things I say that make my counselor laugh:

Got Gas?

*sigh* If only real life had a script.....and a soundtrack.

CUTE

one damned thing

The Fisher King

13 YEARS!!!!!!!!!

MEME

"we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it..."

Rest for the wicked

For my cube dwelling friends...

Doggie Style

Let's do it, lunger

The Chronicles of Narnia

So, I had to buy some gas yesterday.....

Powell Gardens 08-07-05

I have arrived

Decisions, Decisions

*sigh*

Happy Mug

Why do you think the LIONESS is the one who kills the food?

I'm very ANGRY today....

Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Sweet Child O' Mine

I'm still smitten

And now, a shameless plug for my favorite store.

And Now, A Word From Our Sponsor:

Today's Isaac Photo Montage

This is so cool, I wanted to bid on it.

sigh If only real life had a script.....and a soundtrack.

sigh